Kinshasa week 3
Bored to distraction. Absolutely, positively bored to distraction. I cannot remember the last time I had this much time on my hands. It’s not that I don’t have work to do…. actually it is. I have absolutely nothing to do because most of the people in my office have gone on their summer breaks and left me with nothing at all to do. Sigh…
But in the meantime, some interesting developments. One of my long term friends is getting married on Saturday. I am genuinely thrilled for her. I use the adjective genuinely on purpose. Some friends have made life choices over the last couple of years that I have neither agreed with nor been pleased with, but as a friend, I’ve been forced to accept and smile. But this one particular wedding I’m actually thrilled about. What can I say? I’m old school that way. I’m a big fan of traditional weddings and courtships and bells and whistles and so for someone to have gone the traditional way and have it turn out okay, is not only reassuring but also encouraging for me. I don’t know, it’s so easy to get to the point where you’re doubting whether these things happen, particularly when you’re immersed in a culture where people repeatedly tell you that it doesn’t.
Speaking of self-doubt… I may be walking away from the DPhil. At this stage, my heart is finally coming back into the equation and reminding me that it was never in it in the first place. Somewhere between the Hague and Oxford I forgot to bring my heart along for the ride and I forgot what it meant to have passion for what you’re studying. I’ve gone through a whole year of going through the motions and I think I’m ready to be excited about what I’m studying again. The only problem is at some point over the last few months I forgot how to want. I’ve gotten so confused by all the mixed messages that I’m getting from life and the world that I lost sight of the voice of the One Above and lost sight of His plan for me.
And so now we’re back to square one. Learning how to want things with humility and sincerity. Learning how to not be anxious about anything but to make humble requests to God and wait for his answer. I’d gotten confused, and started to believe that wanting was the sin, but it’s not. It’s wanting with pride, and arrogance and greed. Not wanting at all; not having ambition or drive or desires, is inhuman and its insulting to the capabilities of God. I always say to others (funny that, I should have learnt to say it more to myself) that the true sinfulness in what we want is in how we behave when we don’t get it. But wanting it in itself is not the sin.
So that’s where I’m at. Learning to want again; relearning what it means to live a life of passion. And it all starts with the question: what do I really want? I mean, long term, where do I see myself fitting into God’s master plan? what does He want for me? What desires has he placed in my heart? Yielding to His will – does He need me to move forward or stand still?
No answers just yet, but we’re working on it!