Day 3: The 5 K jog

Training for a half marathon is about cycles. The entire week is broken up into cycles so that you have a rest day, then a mild jog, then the intense run – either intense in distance or intense in speed. For me, the mild jog is a 5 K jaunt around my neighbourhood that usually takes me between 35 and 40 minutes. In many ways, the 5K jog is a lot harder than the intense run because of the guilt that comes from knowing that you’re not running as fast or as far as you can, but you still feel tired and you want to give up. Today, I felt guilty, my legs felt heavy and I generally just didn’t want to be out there. But I prayed through it, and got through the run.

 

During my run, I was meditating upon being confident and being fierce. I’ve been having some self-doubt the last couple of months because I’ve been failing at everything. I sacrificed so much to be a good student but I was failing at being a good student, at playing pool, at Arabic, at everything. And there was no shortage of people to remind me. I got caught up in this spiral of self doubt that made me feel like running away and hiding. So I seriously started thinking about doing that – going on holiday to Kenya and just not coming back.

I started to pray about it a few days ago because the sadness was getting a little insane, and the more I prayed about it and reached out to my Christian friends for counsel, the more it started to seem like this was something that I could hack. And then today, before the run when I was doing my morning devotion, I opened up my bible to a random page and found this verse:

“Remember those earlier days after you had received the light, when you stood your ground in a great contest in the face of suffering. Sometimes you were publicly exposed to insult and persecution; at other times you stood side by side with those who were so treated… So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. you need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he has promised” (Hebrews 10: 32-33, 35 – 36)

I love it when the Lord speaks a word directly into my heart, and this was definitely one of those moments. I did have a moment after I came back to the faith when the world moved around me and beneath my feet and everything seemed unbearable, but there He was, keeping me sane and keeping me strong. When people made fun of me and of my faith there He was. It doesn’t make any sense to have persevered through so much struggle and then to walk away just because of no confidence. I need to have confidence in myself, not because of who I am, but because of who He is. Because Christ working within me is the only good thing within me but he’s all the good that I need.

I need to become fierce and fearless in Christ. To trust in the Lord’s wisdom, purpose and plan for my life. Like running, the hardest part of life is to continue to put one foot in front of the other and keep going, but I need to find my rhythm and do that, so that I can stand in his presence and praise him when that day comes.

KT, finding my way back.

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