Day Minus One: Epiphany

I had an epiphany while running this morning. These morning runs have become the best opportunity for me to pray and speak to God, and just let him speak to me as well. Today, I was meditating on ambition. I was wondering how I could allow myself to be an ambitious person without falling into the sin of idolatry. I don’t want to make the things of man the sole driving force in my life but at the same time, the placidity and numbness of my current existence is driving me slightly bonkers. Not being busy is allowing me far too much time to spend inside my own head, and there I only come face to face with more and more demons. Things that I thought I had conquered some time ago but still seem to be lurking in my conscience.

I found myself asking God what I could do to be more driven without being pulled and pushed by the vagaries of life. I want to want bigger things without necessarily being driven to sin by those things. It’s been bugging me for some time now.

While I was running, it occurred to me that life is very much like running a race – St. Paul uses this analogy, I think in Ephesians, I forget. He talks about how each one of us is running towards the prize and we’re all given different abilities but our goal is the same. My epiphany is basically that I need to get back in the race towards Christ. Right now, I’m sort of checked out from all of it. I’ve put my ambitions on hold as I try to make sense of this new world that I’ve found myself in, but in the process, I’ve forgotten how to want things, how to desire things in good proportion.

The last few months I’ve been living my life like I was running a marathon that will never end – conserving my energy unnecessarily for fear that I won’t have enough energy to complete the race. But why should I let such fears run my life? Isn’t that what the Holy Spirit is for? To give us eagle’s wings to carry us through to the end of the race even when it seems that we just can’t make it through? I realised that conserving my energy is the same as relying on my own strength rather than calling upon God, which is ultimately what I am called upon to do. I need to just go crazy with the life and the energy, and let God work out the details.

Even as I was running this realisation pushed me to run a little bit faster – I finished my 5K nearly 10 minutes faster than I normally do which was quite fun! And while I was tired at the end, I was grateful – so grateful. Because I felt myself soaring above my own abilities and limitations into a space where God has everything in control.

KT, energised!

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